October 1, 2019

Top 10 Tips To Prepare For Mediation

Preparation Is Key - Both Practically and Mentally

The process of getting divorced is emotionally draining, life altering and, quite simply, often frustrating and scary. No divorce is ever as simple as going on a first date, deciding that the other person is not compatible for you and never calling that person for a second date. Almost all divorces, whether resulting from a short-term or longer-term marriage, involve having lived life together with a person that you once loved, respected, cared about, shared life’s experiences and memories, and sometimes raised children together. Ending such a relationship has emotional and financial consequences.

Here are some useful tips on preparing for a PeacefulSplit® mediation so that your divorce can be as stress-free as possible.

Think Deeply & Honestly About Why The Marriage Did Not Work

Often times during a mediation session, each side is quick to tell the Mediator: “well, John’s actions is why the marriage didn’t work” or “Susie had an affair – it’s all her fault” or “If only Pedro did or didn’t do  ____, then everything would have been great.” Blame and being defensive are the two most common emotional reactions that cause mediations to fail. Instead of coming into the process ready to attack your spouse for “causing” the divorce, focus instead on the present situation and how best to put yourself in the position to have a PeacefulSplit®.

Mediation Can Be Different Than Your Experience In Marriage!

Focus On Communication

Its common sense that couples divorcing generally have issues with effective and honest communications. However, if there was ever a time to use your best-efforts to communicate more effectively, it is when you both have decided to terminate the marriage. Telling your spouse “you’re a terrible father and I want our daughter with me all the time” is very different then telling your spouse “I disagree with how you handle our daughter when she misbehaves, but I know you love her. Let’s find a way to discipline her in a more cohesive way.” Remember the old saying: “you get more bees with honey than vinegar.”

How You Say Something Is Often More Important Than What You Say!

Focus on Clear Thinking

When emotions are running at all time highs, and your life is changing in a permanent way, its easy to react first and then think afterwards. But what generally happens from this pattern is that the result is not what we expected nor desired. When you hear your spouse say something that your disagree with, or that angers or upsets you, stop and ask yourself: (i) why am I getting angry or upset? (ii) will my reaction help or hurt my chances of getting what I want? and (iii) would taking a break help me to “cool off?”

Think. Think Some More. Then React!

Focus On What I Really Want & Need

When we are under stress, especially when dealing with someone who we may still love, but who doesn’t love us, it’s easy to get hung-up with wanting certain things just because we want them. Part of the process towards obtaining a PeacefulSplit® involves truly thinking about what is best for us versus what we just want. Don’t say you want the car or the vacation house “just because.” Having a reason why your want those things that can be articulated in a respectful manner to your spouse will enhance your bargaining position and the chances that you will end the mediation process feeling satisfied.

Wanting Something And Needing Something Are Often Different!

Focus On The End Result

As a Mediator and lawyer who is committed to helping couples divorce without litigation (I do not litigate divorce cases), my goal is to bring down the level of stress, anxiety and apprehension that you and your spouse will undoubtedly feel throughout the process of getting divorced. Practically speaking, Mediators Mediate and Litigators Litigate. If you goal is to obtain a PeacefulSplit®, then it is important to work with a professional whose focus and commitment is to a peaceful process – and not focused on battling with your spouse in court. Who do you think really will win if you decide to fight your spouse in court?

You Don't Need To Get Along To Successfully Mediate!

Focus On Respectful Communication

As hard as it may be, try to remember that the person sitting across the table from you during the mediation process was once someone you loved. As painful as it may be to now look at that person who you feel is trying to “take you for everything you own,” Mediation is not the time and place to deal with the emotional pain and anger as it will only exacerbate the negative feelings and minimize the chances of ending your marriage peacefully.

You don’t have to be your spouses best friend anymore, nor worry about their well-being or what’s best for them. However, if you focus on keeping your emotions and speech in check, then you will most likely cause your spouse to feel and act similarly. Just picture your children or parents watching a video of your mediation session. Will they be proud of your speech and actions? Will there be things you said that you will look back on and regret? If you remain true to yourself and to the process, you put yourself in the best possible position to successfully resolve all issues facing you and your spouse.

You Don't Need To Agree To Be Respectful!

Focus On Professionals - Not Friends & Family

It’s very tempting to searching Google for advice and suggestions about your divorce. As you undoubtedly found out, there are millions of pages of data on the Internet about divorce. Often times I hear from spouses: “my friend said….” or “when my cousin got divorced, she got …” or “I heard that…”

Listening to friends and family is helpful to cope and process your feelings and emotions. They, along with trained Mental Health Professionals are best suited to help guide you emotionally through this difficult process. However, trained professionals, such as lawyers and mediators, have undergone extensive and official training and certifications in order to provide men and women, like yourselves, with professional and informed advise.

If you begin the mediation process from the perspective that you want something or feel you are entitled to something in the divorce because a friend or family member told you so, then you are doing a disservice to you, your spouse and the process. It’s fine, and I even suggest, that you think about what it is you want from the divorce, but do so from a perspective of accuracy and objectively, not from hearsay or for subjective reasons. Coming into the divorce process with reasonable, thought out expectations will put you in a powerful position for a successful resolution. Conversely, if you come into the process with unreasonable goals, all that will most certainly happen is for you to feel disappointed and reject the process.

You Don't Need To Listen To Everything Friends Say!

Focus On Your Goals

The end goal of the divorce process to to terminate a marriage, divide up assets and liabilities, determine if alimony is appropriate (and the amount thereof) and provide for the time-sharing of children and their support. It is not about “getting even”, “settling a score” or “hurting” the other spouse. If these are your desires, then please do not contact me about Mediation or Collaborative Divorce.

Focus on where you see yourself in 1-year, 5-years, and 10-years. Taking a longer-term view of your future life will help keep the present in perspective. Prior to each mediation session, step out to the restroom, look in the mirror, and ask yourself “how do I want to be perceived today? What do I really want and desire today and in my future?”

You Don't Need To Win Every Battle - Focus On Your Overall Goals!

Focus On The Positives

The end goal of the divorce process to to terminate a marriage, divide up assets and liabilities, determine if alimony is appropriate (and the amount thereof) and provide for the time-sharing of children and their support. It is not about “getting even”, “settling a score” or “hurting” the other spouse. If these are your desires, then please do not contact me about Mediation or Collaborative Divorce.

Focus on where you see yourself in 1-year, 5-years, and 10-years. Taking a longer-term view of your future life will help keep the present in perspective. Prior to each mediation session, step out to the restroom, look in the mirror, and ask yourself “how do I want to be perceived today? What do I really want and desire today and in my future?”

You Don't Need To Feel Great About Divorce!

Focus On Being Fair, Honest and Respectful

Respect, respect and even more respect. That should become your mantra when talking with your child about your spouse/ex-spouse. Never forget that for you, the person is not part of your daily life. But for your child, that person is their mother/father, and someone they will love unconditionally.

If you speak ill about your ex to your child, you are not only showing a lack of respect to your ex-spouse, but you child will often see you as being a disrespectful person. This is the time to teach your child about respecting others – even if we do not like that other person or think good things of them.

Never forget that you can choose to divorce one another, but your kids do not want to divorce their mother or father. In the end, you chose to get married and now to get a divorce; your children had no say in either decision. They just want to love their mom and dad. If you truly can’t be respectful to your spouse, at least be respectful to your children and allow them to simply love their parents without fear or guilt of upsetting either one of you.

You Don't Need To Make Children Take Sides!


My sole mission is to guide, comfort, and assist you and your spouse with the goal of achieving a peaceful uncontested divorce. To that end, I never judge you based upon your beliefs, culture, race, ethnicity, gender or sexual orientation.

If you and your spouse are ready for a PeacefulSplit® Divorce Mediation, or are just contemplating divorce, I welcome you to contact me to answer all of your questions and explain the benefits of a mediation.  Sometimes both parties are on the same page, and often they are not. I am available to help you under either scenario.


__CONFIG_group_edit__{}__CONFIG_group_edit__
__CONFIG_local_colors__{"colors":{"0fb68":"Picton Blue","e8c68":"Royal Blue"},"gradients":{}}__CONFIG_local_colors__

Confused? Full of Questions?Don't Know Where To Start?

Eric Has All The Answers About the PeacefulSplit® Divorce Mediation Process And Is Ready To Help You Now.

__CONFIG_colors_palette__{"active_palette":0,"config":{"colors":{"110d6":{"name":"Main Accent","parent":-1}},"gradients":[]},"palettes":[{"name":"Default Palette","value":{"colors":{"110d6":{"val":"var(e8c68)"}},"gradients":[]},"original":{"colors":{"110d6":{"val":"rgb(19, 114, 211)","hsl":{"h":210,"s":0.83,"l":0.45}}},"gradients":[]}}]}__CONFIG_colors_palette__
Click To Contact Me
>